Low Self Esteem Therapy Cambridge
Low self esteem can leave you feeling not good enough, comparing yourself with others or worrying about what people think of you. Therapy can help you develop a more secure and accepting sense of yourself.
Does this sound familiar?
You might:
Often feel that other people are more interesting, attractive or capable than you
Compare yourself with friends, colleagues or people on social media
Find it difficult to recognise your strengths or achievements
Worry a lot about what other people think of you
Need reassurance or external validation to feel okay
Feel uncomfortable receiving compliments
Be very hard on yourself when you make a mistake
Put other people's needs before your own
Hide parts of yourself because you worry people won't like the real you
Feel like an imposter, even when you're doing well
Set very high standards for yourself but rarely feel satisfied when you meet them
Sometimes low self-esteem is obvious. At other times, you may appear confident and capable to other people while privately feeling inadequate or worried that you'll eventually be found out.
What causes low self esteem?
Low self-esteem often develops gradually through our experiences rather than having a single cause.
The way other people responded to you while you were growing up can influence how you learn to see yourself. Perhaps you experienced criticism, bullying, rejection or exclusion. You may have felt that you were valued for doing well rather than simply for being yourself, or that your feelings and needs weren't always recognised.
Sometimes these experiences are much less obvious. You may have grown up in a loving family but still learnt that being successful, helpful, easy-going or independent was particularly valued.
Our early experiences can also shape attachment patterns and the expectations we develop about ourselves and other people.
Over time, ideas such as I'm not good enough, other people are better than me or I need people to like me can start to feel like facts rather than beliefs that have developed through experience.
How low self esteem can affect everyday life
Low self-esteem can influence much more than how you feel when you look in the mirror.
At work, you might doubt your abilities despite evidence that you're doing well, struggle to speak up, or worry excessively about making mistakes.
In friendships, you may assume other people are more important or interesting than you, worry about being left out, or find yourself trying hard to maintain other people's approval.
In relationships, you might find it difficult to believe that somebody genuinely wants to be with you, need frequent reassurance or become very sensitive to signs of distance or rejection.
When these patterns have been around for a long time, they can simply feel like part of who you are.
Low self esteem and self criticism
Low self-esteem and self-criticism often go together.
You might have a harsh internal voice that notices every mistake while quickly dismissing anything you do well. Perhaps you believe being hard on yourself keeps you motivated or prevents you becoming complacent.
The difficulty is that there is always something else you could have done better. Even success may provide only temporary relief before the goalposts move again.
Therapy can help you recognise this critical voice without automatically accepting everything it says about you.
Low self esteem and people pleasing
If your sense of worth depends heavily on other people's approval, saying no or disappointing somebody can feel surprisingly difficult.
You may become very good at anticipating what other people want, avoiding conflict and putting their needs before your own. Being liked can provide reassurance that you're okay, but it can also mean that your confidence remains dependent on how other people respond to you.
Over time, you might become unsure what you actually want or resentful that your own needs seem to come second.
Low self esteem and relationships
How we feel about ourselves inevitably influences our relationships.
If you expect other people to eventually discover that you're not good enough, closeness can feel risky. You might seek reassurance, worry about being abandoned, hide aspects of yourself or keep some emotional distance so that rejection cannot hurt quite as much.
Therapy can help you understand these recurring relationship patterns and develop a stronger sense that you are acceptable even when another person is disappointed with you or doesn't give you the reassurance you hoped for.
What therapy for low self esteem can help with
Therapy can help you:
Understand where negative beliefs about yourself came from
Become less dependent on other people's approval
Reduce comparison with other people
Respond differently to your inner critic
Recognise your strengths without immediately dismissing them
Feel more comfortable expressing your opinions and needs
Cope better with criticism, mistakes and rejection
Develop a more stable sense of your own worth
Feel more able to be yourself around other people
The aim isn't to convince yourself that you're wonderful all the time. It's to develop a more realistic, accepting and secure sense of yourself that doesn't disappear whenever something goes wrong.
Therapy for low self esteem
I draw on several psychological therapies when working with low self-esteem, depending on what is keeping the difficulties going for you.
Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) can be particularly helpful for understanding how experiences in earlier relationships have shaped the way you relate to yourself and other people now.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) can be useful when shame and self-criticism are particularly strong, helping you develop a less hostile and more compassionate response to yourself.
EMDR can also be helpful to directly target the underlying memories and experiences that have led to the development of low self esteem.
Rather than applying the same approach to everyone, we can develop an understanding of what is contributing to your low self-esteem and work from there.
Low self esteem in young adults
Low self-esteem can become particularly noticeable during young adulthood, when there are so many opportunities to compare yourself with other people.
At university, you might feel that everyone else is making close friends more easily, doing better academically or having a better time than you are. Starting work can bring worries that you're not capable enough or that everyone else knows what they're doing. Dating and relationships can make concerns about your appearance, personality or whether somebody really likes you feel particularly intense.
You may also be trying to work out what you want from life while feeling pressure from family, friends or social media about where you ought to be.
I have particular expertise in working with young adults and students. I offer therapy online and as a Clinical Psychologist in Cambridge.
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