Therapy for People Pleasing
If you find it difficult to say no, worry about disappointing people, or constantly put other people's needs before your own, people pleasing may be taking a toll on you. Therapy can help you understand where these patterns come from, feel more confident setting boundaries, and find ways to prioritise yourself without being overwhelmed by guilt or fear of rejection.
Does this sound familiar?
You might:
Find it very difficult to say no or set boundaries
Worry a lot about what other people think of you
Avoid conflict, even when something is important to you
Second-guess what other people want or expect from you
Feel responsible for keeping other people happy
Apologise even when you haven't done anything wrong
Feel guilty when you put yourself first
Sometimes feel exhausted, resentful or taken for granted
You may be very good at noticing what other people need, while finding it much harder to notice — or act on — what you need yourself.
Why do I people please?
People pleasing usually makes sense when we understand where it has come from.
For some people, being helpful, agreeable or easy to be around became an important way of maintaining closeness with other people. You may have learnt to avoid conflict, anticipate what others needed, or adapt yourself to fit in. Putting other people's needs first may have become so automatic that it can be difficult to know where your responsibilities end and someone else's begin.
For others, people pleasing is closely connected to a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Saying no, disagreeing or expressing your own needs, or setting a boundary can then feel surprisingly threatening, even when you know logically that it shouldn't.
These patterns can become so familiar that they happen almost automatically. Over time, this can affect your relationships, self-esteem and the choices you make about your own life.
People pleasing, self-worth and relationships
People pleasing is often closely connected to how we feel about ourselves.
If your sense of self-worth depends heavily on being liked or needed, disappointing somebody can feel particularly difficult. Putting other people first can provide reassurance in the short term, but over time it may reinforce the belief that your own needs matter less.
People pleasing can also affect friendships and relationships.
You might give a great deal to other people, only to realise that the same support isn't available when you need it. You may become exhausted or resentful, then feel guilty for feeling angry.
If you have spent a long time adapting yourself to other people, you may also find it difficult to know what you actually think, want or need.
What therapy can help you work towards
Saying no without being consumed by guilt
Expressing what you need and want
Feeling less responsible for other people's feelings
Becoming more comfortable with disagreement
Setting boundaries while remaining close to others
Feeling more confident that people can like you for who you are
Developing a stronger sense of what matters to you
The aim isn't to stop being caring or considerate. It's to have more choice about when you put other people first — and when you need to prioritise yourself.
Understanding the pattern
I often use Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) when working with people pleasing.
CAT can help us understand how ways of coping that developed in earlier relationships continue to influence how you relate to yourself and other people now.
Together, we can identify the situations that pull you into people pleasing, understand the fears that make it difficult to respond differently, and gradually develop other ways of managing these situations.
This can be particularly helpful when you already know you people please but find that simply telling yourself to "set better boundaries" doesn't seem to change anything.
People pleasing in young adults
People pleasing can become particularly noticeable in young adulthood, when friendships, dating, university and work bring new relationships and expectations.
People pleasing can make some of the challenges of young adulthood particularly difficult: making genuine friendships at university where you feel you belong, choosing a career when your family has strong ideas about what you should do, or setting boundaries at work rather than finding yourself always staying late or taking on more.
I have particular expertise in working with young adults and students. I offer therapy online and in Cambridge.
Ready to make a change?
If people pleasing is affecting your relationships, confidence or ability to prioritise yourself, therapy can help you understand the pattern and begin to respond differently.
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