Loneliness: Why It Hurts, Why It Matters, and Why It Repeats

Loneliness is the unwelcome psychological feeling of being disconnected or unloved, which is distinct from isolation, the objective state of being physically alone. While you can be fulfilled in solitude, you can also be "lonely in a crowd" if your social needs are not being met.

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling which we may well wish to be rid of. However, it serves as a vital evolutionary distress signal, much like physical pain, hunger, or thirst. It is telling us that our fundamental requirement for social connection is not being fulfilled. Because humans evolved to survive better in groups, our brains interpret social disconnection as a serious threat to our survival. This signal is designed to motivate us to re-establish the social ties necessary for our safety and well-being.

Loneliness as a slow acting poison

Understanding and addressing loneliness is critically important because it acts as a "slow-acting poison" with severe biological and psychological consequences. Weak social relationships can increase the risk of death by 50%, making loneliness twice as dangerous as obesity and as harmful as smoking. Chronic loneliness keeps the body in a state of stress, leading to elevated cortisol levels and chronic inflammation. This increases the risk of heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and a weakened immune system. Social support acts as a psychological buffer, increasing pain tolerance and leading to faster recovery times for illnesses like cancer or heart attacks.

Ultimately, loneliness is important because social connection is considered the single most influential factor on our health, happiness, and lifespan—often having a greater impact than diet, exercise, or smoking habits

Loneliness through a CAT lens: relational patterns and reciprocal roles

From a Cognitive Analytic Therapy perspective, loneliness is not just an absence of contact, but often the result of internalised relational patterns that were learned early in life and then replayed in adulthood. When lonely, we may feel:

Others are unavailable or rejecting, meaning we feel unwanted or unlovable

Others are emotionally distant, meaning we feel unseen or alone

Others are critical or dismissive, meaning we feel defective or not good enough.

CAT helps us see that we can end up repeating these relational patterns in various ways, including acting out the rejecting, distant or critical roles towards ourselves, or even towards others.

How loneliness becomes a repeating cycle

Loneliness can become self-reinforcing. Many people who feel lonely also develop protective strategies to avoid further rejection or disappointment. While understandable, these strategies can unintentionally keep loneliness going.

For example:

• Someone who expects rejection may withdraw emotionally, appear distant, or avoid initiating contact – which can lead others to keep their distance.

• Others may people-please or over-give, hoping to secure closeness, but feel increasingly unseen or resentful when their needs aren’t met.

• Some may test relationships by pulling away or becoming guarded, reinforcing the belief that others are unreliable or abandoning.

In CAT terms, these are procedures – learned ways of coping that once made sense but now trap the person in familiar outcomes. The end point is often the same: feeling alone again, which then confirms the original belief (“I don’t really matter” or “I’m always on the outside”).

Breaking the cycle of loneliness

A CAT-informed understanding of loneliness offers something quietly hopeful. If loneliness is maintained by repeating relational patterns rather than simply by circumstance, then it can also be changed. By noticing how we expect others to respond, how we protect ourselves from anticipated rejection, and how we relate to ourselves when connection feels risky, we create the possibility of doing something different. Therapy can help make these patterns visible and understandable, reducing shame and self-blame, and opening the door to new ways of relating that feel safer and more mutual. In this sense, loneliness is not a personal failure or fixed trait, but a meaningful signal rooted in our relational history – one that, when listened to carefully, can guide us towards deeper connection with others and with ourselves.